That simple little phrase is enough to make men the world over pull their hair out in frustration.
It’s dating purgatory—oh-so-close to being on her radar, yet so very, very far away.
In this post, I want to cover the “friend-zone” in as much detail as humanly possible. You’re going to see why the concept exists, why you end up there, and how you can get out.
What Is The Friend-Zone?
Simply put, the friend-zone is where attraction goes to die.
When it comes to meeting the opposite sex we have two choices. Do we make friends with them or do we put on our game face and see if we can make sparks fly?
Excuse the generalization, but as a guy if we like a girl, we like a girl. It’s rare that we would put a girl in the friend-zone if we were interested in them.
But for women, it’s different you see. They have a friend-zone switch. And it can get turned on and turned off in a second. If they don’t have feelings for the guy or the guy lacks the confidence to pursue her, he could almost instantly land in the friend-zone.
And when you’re in the friend-zone. There’s almost no coming back. Her sexual desire turn off for you. At this point she basically views you as a brother. And no girl wants to have sex with her brother. (gross)
And on top of it all, it’s a manipulative place to be. No, she’s not manipulating you. You’re manipulating her! You’re lying to her by taking the back door into a relationship, hoping that one day she will see you as a lover. At this point you’re tricking her into spending time with you. That’s not the way a healthy relationship starts out.
Turns out, there are three main reasons why nice guys like you end up in the friend-zone. If I had a dollar for every time I was in the friend-zone, I would go out right now and get the new iPhone.
If you want to have a chance in avoiding the BFF status, you have to nail fix all three of these at the same time, so read closely. Every guy is in the friend-zone for one or more of the below reasons.
Reason #1: Your intentions aren’t clear.
You wouldn’t believe how many guys I’ve coached in the past who wind up in this situation.
They say something like this:
“Tripp, I’ve been friends with this really hot girl for almost a year now. I’ve been waiting and waiting for everything to fall into place, but it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m interested! What can I do?”
My response is always:
“Well, did you ever tell her you’re interested?”
Usually, the answer is a resounding “no.”
How is a woman supposed to know you’re into her if you’re just acting like a brother? If you treat her like a sister, why on earth would she suspect that you’re interested?
Why do guys struggle with making their intentions clear? Well, that brings us to the next point.
Reason #2: You’re terrified of rejection.
That fear will always stop you dead in your tracks from asking her out.
“She’ll never say yes.”
“If she turns me down, I’ll be so embarrassed.”
“I just have to wait until the perfect time.”
Well, guess what? You know how many cute girls you’ll date if you’re afraid of rejection?
You want the cold hard truth? Chances are that she will reject you. But guess what? That’s not a bad thing! Most girls over the course of your dating experience will reject you or you will reject them. It doesn’t work out with every single person you meet. That’s just dating.
Rejection is feared by many but it should be embraced by all. When you get rejected it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. Instead it just means you’re not doing it right and there’s room for improvement. And that is all.
Improvement you’re asking? Improve what? Let’s go to reason #3.
Reason #3: You haven’t sparked attraction.
It boils down to this: if she doesn’t see you as a potential mate, then she’ll see you as a friend. Plain and simple.
The best way to avoid and escape the friend-zone is by sparking attraction. With women, attraction isn’t logical. It’s not a choice, as famous dating coach David DeAngelo has once said. They don’t wake up one day and say, “yes, I do like him!”
What you have to do is make her feel something. There’s no convincing. There’s no argument. There’s no pleading. You need to turn the attraction switch on. Let’s talk about how to do that.
Don’t be her friend. That’s the answer.
You want to be a sexual threat to her. She needs to understand that when she’s around you that you are going to be pursuing her.
You want to know the difference between friendship and sexual relationships?
One word: Tension.
There’s no tension in a friendship. None. However, when you’re with a girl and you’re building attraction, tension is the name of the game.
How do we do this as a man?
You BE a man.
Because BEING a man is what emits masculinity and when a woman feels a strong masculine presence, she gets turned on. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the opposite.
When you’re turned on by a woman and feel an urge to talk to her, you’re being stimulated by her femininity. Her curves, her breasts, her scent, her hair, her feminine walk, her higher pitched voice, her hips…etc. And you want to have sex with her when you feel and see this, right?
The same happens when a woman gets a chance at feeling your masculinity. Because when the polarity between masculine and feminine hits, attraction is sparked.
How do we do this?
We do this by leading the interaction, having strong masculine body language, and being challenging.
Leading the interaction means that you are in control of the situations. You start the conversation. You ask the girl out. You pick the spot. You start being physical when you want to start being physical. You MAKE THE DECISION.
Masculine body language means you stand face-to-face/shoulder-to-shoulder with her, stand with your tallest posture, look her in the eye and speak from your diaphragm. That is how you emit your physical masculinity.
Being a challenge means not being so easy to get. Don’t manipulate your schedule in order to make sure you can see her. Play little games of “push/pull” to build the sexual tension. You can tease her for being a nerd (push), but you can also tell her you want to see her again (pull).
Lastly, you have to stop caring if you lose her.
Wait, what? How is that even possible?
“Tripp, I don’t want to screw up our friendship by asking her out!”
Well, that’s a risk you simply have to take. Imagine three scenarios after you ask her out:
• She thinks you’re weird and never wants to talk to you again
• She says no, and you remain friends
• She says yes, and becomes your girlfriend
Think the first scenario is scary?
In my opinion, if a girl thinks you’re creepy or weird, or freaks out in this situation, she was a pretty bad friend to begin with. You’ve saved yourself a ton of time and cut a toxic person out of your life.
If she says no and you can mutually agree to remain friends, great! Now you can focus on available women.
Of course, she could also say yes. So what originally looked like a bad outcome, a good one and a neutral one really turn out to be three positive outcomes.
So what do you really have to lose by being courageous? Nothing. You ALWAYS win.
Is there any way to claw yourself out of the friend-zone once you’re already there? Let’s discuss.
Time for a little more honesty: getting out of the Friend-Zone is difficult. It’s way harder than avoiding it in the first place.
It’s still possible, though.
Let’s examine the traits of the average “friend-zoned nice guy”, and look at how we can reverse the damage.
First of all, guys who are in the friend-zone are always available. When she calls, texts, or shows up crying at your doorstep, you’re there to fix her problems. You’re basically like one of her female friends, except you don’t have the luxury of telling her your problems. It’s one-sided.
So, at this point you have two options.
1. Risk the friendship by building attraction
2. Stay friends with her for social proof
Let’s start with #1.
Just telling her that you like her is has a very slim chance of working. Like I said earlier, attraction is not a choice. Just because you say that doesn’t mean she will instantly like you back. So instead we have to play the game.
You can try to build attraction, but if it doesn’t work then you might lose her as a friend. If you’re okay with that then let’s go with my 3-step process.
Step 1) Make Yourself Scarce
Stop responding to her messages. Don’t rush to bring her carryout when she’s running late for dinner. Don’t be an emotional sponge for her problems 24/7.
Instead, make her wonder. Make her wonder where you are, what you’re doing, why you aren’t answering.
This uncertainty will turn to fear, and could gradually become a spark of desire.
It’s not just about “being scarce”. But, you actually need to create your own life. In fact, build a lifestyle that a woman would want to be part of. Keep busy doing interesting things, instead of pining after one woman who doesn’t even like you yet.
Get into the gym. Buy some nice clothes. Get passionate about your work. Make friends that do the things you like. Actually keep busy instead of feigning it. Hell, you might not even care about her at this point because you’re off doing cool shit. However, when she does come back in, she will see how much fun you’re having and will (hopefully) want to be part of it.
What I am really trying to do here is get you far away from the idea of her as possible, so you can build up your own life and meet more women. Ideally, I would like you to be working on building your attraction skills. You should be meeting other women and practicing approaching and talking to other girls. That way, you can see how many other women there are and you can live an abundant life, rather than zoning in on one girl.
Step 3) The Seduction
Remember when I said that a woman wants to be with a MAN? And do you remember when I outlined above how to do that? Well, this is where we use this stuff. It’s time to show her your masculinity and start building sexual tension.
The easiest way to do this is by pretending like anything in the past with you and her never happened and this is a completely new girl. Don’t think of her as your “friend” but a woman you want to pursue and sleep with. This will spark the desire that she needs to feel attracted.
Give her a call (or wait for hers if she’s still regularly contacting you) and start building attraction. When you see her, lead the interaction, emit masculine body language, use some push/pull and break the touch barrier. Yes, touch her. Don’t be afraid to spin her around, give her a hug, or even give her a kiss.
Remember this, a woman’s reality is in the moment. She’s not thinking logically about what happened 3 months ago when you first hung out. If she feels your masculinity in the moment at hand, she will start to feel something for you.
Furthermore, you can introduce her to some of the new girls you’ve met over the course of the 3 months you’ve moved on and create a jealousy plot line. This is going to show her that you are liked by other girls and gets her thinking about you on a non-sexual level. Bring your new girlfriends (even if they are just friends) around when you see her again. Watch what happens when she knows you’ve been spending time with other women.
Let’s move on to your second option: Stay friends with her for social proof.
WARNING: Staying friends still might be difficult for you because in the back of your head you may think you still have a chance. If these feelings still stick around and you can’t truly be friends with her then I would move on and find new, real friends.
Now, if you can handle being friends with her then this is a great opportunity to meet new hot girls with whom you can build attraction.
There’s a theory created by Mystery, one of the most famous pickup artists in the world, called pre-selection. It’s the idea that a woman will be attracted to you if she knows you are “pre-selected” by another woman. It’s like a secret code between females. If a girl sees you with another girl (or girls) then she must think there’s something about you that got you with the girl she sees you with.
This new friend of yours can help you demonstrate pre-selection. Go out with her to the bars. Take her around to introduce you to her friends. Take advantage of this friendship so you can get easier access to girls you can build attraction with.
Demolishing The Friend-Zone
Remember, it’s way easier to avoid the Friend-Zone than escape from it.
The best news is that these tips will help you create a positive feedback loop when it comes to dating. Meaning…
• You will avoid the friend-zone the next time you approach a girl.
• Instead of fantasizing about her for months, you have a meaningful relationship.
• You approach another woman. She turns you down. Instead of falling into her orbit and settling for friendship, you use what you’ve learned to stay positive and find someone worthwhile.
Really, once you’ve gone through this process at least once, you’re basically getting a vaccine against Friend-Zoneitis. You’ll be immune, because you know the grass really is greener on the other side—you’ve been there before.
I hope these tips have demystified the friend-zone a bit. While the phenomenon is an emotional black hole for many men, I’m confident you can escape its pull.
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