I’m Caitlin V. Neal, and I’m a Sex and Relationship Coach for men. I’ve spent the last 10+ years of my life helping guys like you have better sex.
When Tripp asked me to write an epic guide to sex, I was all in. I love helping good men get the great sex lives they deserve.
My work has helped thousands of men (millions if you count YouTube). I’ve worked with millionaires and ditch diggers. I’ve helped men from Detroit to Dubai to the Dominican Republic. While helping these men get better at sex, a few things really jumped out at me.
I’ve discovered 10 fatal mistakes nearly all men make in bed. And I mean all men.
The crazy thing is… these mistakes are super easy to fix! The men I’ve worked with in my one on one coaching have gotten AMAZING results.
And now, thanks to Tripp, the same advice I’ve shared with these men (for thousands of dollars) is available to you for free in the article below. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Please see a doctor if you have a physical or mental health condition. Nothing in this guide is medical advice. Although we believe this info to be correct, we offer it here for informational purposes only. Nothing in this guide can replace the care offered by a medical professional.
Big Mistake #1 – You Don’t Work on Yourself First
Most men think getting better at sex is all about techniques and knowledge. While both are important, a lot of men don’t understand the most important thing.
You need to work on yourself first.
Most men skip the important first step of self-reflection. They focus too much on learning and mastering how to please their partner.
It All Starts With You
So for this epic guide, let’s start at the very beginning: with you. Sex starts 100% with yourself – both physically and emotionally.
We’ll go over the things you can do to make yourself a better lover. Again, these things start with you.
Most men make several common mistakes that stop them from being all they can be. You’re most likely making a few of these mistakes – if not all of them.
Let’s go through each mistake one by one. We’ll then discuss what you can do to stop making each mistake.
Working on Yourself Begins With Your Physical Health
This should go without saying, but it’s an often-overlooked area of sexual health.
Eating a proper diet and staying hydrated is good for your sex life. This article isn’t long enough to cover all the different ways the food you put in your body impacts you. Food affects your sexual abilities and stamina… and even things like the volume of your ejaculate!
Just know that anything good for your body is good for your sex life and your sexual health. And it will prolong your ability to perform until old age.
Here are some common ways men don’t keep themselves healthy (and thus attractive) as it relates to sex. Are you doing any of these things?
A – You Don’t Prioritize Hygiene
Many men overlook the necessity of hygiene. They focus instead on their performance or their stamina.
Your stamina doesn’t matter… if your bad breath or long fingernails prevent you from getting laid to begin with.
Let’s start with your hands. If your hands are going to touch a woman, she wants to see they’re clean and well-maintained.
She knows they’re sort of an analogy for the rest of your self-care. If you take good care of your hands, you usually take good care of the rest of your body, inside and out. She knows you’ll take good care of her as well.
You don’t need a standing appointment at your local nail salon to have proper hand hygiene. All you need is a good nail file and a pick or stiff-haired brush for cleaning your fingernails.
Shorten your nails with a file. You want to get them so smooth you can slide them along the inside of your arm and you don’t feel any snags or sharpness.
Think about putting your fingers inside a woman’s body. Would you touch her vagina with your nails? If you wouldn’t touch the inside of your own arm, you shouldn’t be putting your nails inside her.
Also, be sure to clean underneath your fingernails. This actually has a potential health risk for women. It’s possible to spread infection from the dirt and germs trapped underneath your nails.
A secondary and less important thing to consider is the softness of your hands. Some men have “work hard” jobs like car mechanics. Some have “play hard” hobbies like rock climbing.
These men usually have calluses on their hands. Women don’t mind a calloused hand as it means you use your hands a lot – but cracked, flakey, or ashy skin is not attractive.
You can avoid these problems quite easily. A simple moisturizer is all you need. Even a cheap one from the drugstore works. You might consider using things like coconut oil on your cracked skin before you go to sleep at night.
Women aren’t looking for you to smell like a box of mints all the time… but proper oral hygiene is still worth the moderate effort it takes.
The next time you floss, smell the string when you’re done. If it smells rancid, that’s what your breath smells like. The good news is you can remedy this by flossing every day.
Note – If you know you’re going to have sex later and you’re going to perform oral sex, don’t floss before you go. Floss can cut into your gums and make you more susceptible to certain viruses.
Brush Your Teeth the Right Way
Use a good, new toothbrush. Make sure to brush your gums and your teeth, and use a mouthwash before you go out.
Many people don’t realize dry mouth or dehydration can cause bad breath. Make sure you drink plenty of water. Staying hydrated will also help you with stamina once you’re in bed together later.
B – Many Men Have Smelly Balls. You Don’t Want to Be One of Them!
Make sure your balls aren’t funky if you want us to put our noses near them!
Your testicles are generally subject to more heat and moisture than the rest of your body… and as a result, they often have a sort of funky smell. To avoid this, and to likely get some attention from her mouth in the area, keep them clean.
Wash them on a regular basis with warm water and soap. Occasionally exfoliate using a washcloth or a loofa.
On Date Night
Plan on getting laid tonight? Make sure to give your boys some attention in the shower as close to your date as you can.
Sometimes you have to go from work to the date or you get surprised by a hottie at the gym. Make sure you at least excuse yourself to the bathroom. Rinse them with warm water and soap if possible, and dry them with some toilet paper or paper towel.
You can use powder to prevent moisture from building up if you know you’re going to be walking around or on a date later. But keep in mind no woman likes to get her mouth full of gold bond powder during a blowjob.
C – You Don’t Manscape
Do you keep your pubic hairs trimmed and attractive?
It’s the 21st century. The standard throughout the world is to trim your pubic hair – whether you’re a man or a woman. This is a common courtesy.
Oral sex is quite popular today. Having a full bush makes blowing you particularly challenging for her.
Imagine a woman trying to find your penis in a field of bushes. Curly, smelly bushes that tickle her nose when she’s trying to get her mouth all the way down the shaft. Trim them down.
But don’t go too far, however. Trimming is fine. Women have different preferences, just as men do, and many don’t want you to be 100% shaved.
The Most Important Thing to Know About Manscaping…
You’ll irritate her sensitive parts if you have stubble around your penis!
Avoid stubble at all costs by either shaving or letting your shrubs grow long enough not to feel pokey. You can use beard oil or any oil that softens skin (like grapeseed oil or coconut oil) to soften your pubic hair.
Coconut oil has the added benefit of being antimicrobial. It usually helps cut down on smells.
Now that we have hygiene covered, let’s get to the second most important aspect of self-care: self-pleasuring.
Big Mistake #2 – You Masturbate the Wrong Way
Most men jerk-off in a way that hurts their sex life and is harmful to their physical and mental well-being.
That’s right. How you masturbate is an important piece of the puzzle to consider. And it’s where most men make some devastating (but totally fixable) mistakes.
These mistakes include…
A – Not Using Lube
Too many men masturbate with a dry hand.
They don’t know the long-term damage they’re causing. They’re hurting themselves and their future lovers.
As a rule, you should practice how you play. This means you should have sex with yourself the same way you’d have sex with a woman. Vaginas are wet and lubricated, so when you masturbate you should use a wet and lubricated hand.
B – Not Knowing Which Lube to Use
The kind of lube you use isn’t as important as the fact that you use it. It’s okay to use lotion or conditioner.
It’s preferable to use something that doesn’t dry out. Read the label to make sure it doesn’t have any potential allergens or unwanted ingredients.
Don’t use soap or shampoo as they can leave your dick feeling dry and irritated. I recommend a silicone-based lube as long as you’re masturbating with your hands.
Don’t use silicone lube with a silicone toy (like a fleshlight or a tenga egg). Water-based lube is great, but it dries quickly – although it can be rehydrated with a bit of saliva. Oil-based lubes are fine to use while masturbating, but they cannot be used with condoms.
Want to save money by using the same lubricant by yourself and with your partner? We highly recommend getting a water-based or silicone-based lube.
C – Masturbating With a Death Grip (Excessive Pressure)
Very few men were ever taught how to masturbate as little boys. Many developed ways to get themselves off that are quite harmful to their penis.
One way to hurt your cock is by using a very forceful grip (sometimes known as the masturbation death grip). If you’re using an amount of pressure that’s much more than what a vagina creates, you might be guilty of this.
The good news – with some practice you’ll get over the need for a high amount of pressure. You’ll be able to reach orgasm without it.
D – Definitely Avoid This!
Some men learned how to masturbate by humping between couch cushions or between a mattress and box spring. This can cause trauma to the flesh on your penis.
If you’re one of these men, we recommend seeing a physician. Allow them to examine your penis for potential damage. These cases are rare but serious –so it’s worth getting checked out.
On a Related Note…
Don’t use Viagra or Cialis if you don’t need it for a physical issue. These pills can really hurt your special parts. It’ll damage your relationship with your cock and your lover!
E – Consider Using a Masturbation Sleeve
If you’re a virgin and not sure what a vagina feels like, try a masturbation sleeve. They’re also called fifis, pocket pussies, fleshlights, masturbators, and many other names.
These devices recreate the sensation of a vagina. They allow you to masturbate with the feel of being inside a real woman.
This kind of practice is essential for men who want to last longer in bed. You really do play how you practice – think of Michael Jordan practicing his free throws!
Even if you’re not a virgin, a masturbation sleeve is still a good idea. You have to practice how you play, so why not simulate the real thing (a vagina) as closely as possible?
F – You Probably Masturbate for Too Short of a Time
Again, you practice how you play. If you only masturbate for a short period of time, you’ll only last a short amount of time when you get with a woman.
Masturbating for a longer amount of time builds your self-esteem and your confidence. You won’t have to worry about trying to last a long time in bed.
If you already know you can go for 20 minutes, you won’t feel anxious with her. And she needs to feel your confidence before she can give herself over to you and surrender.
Big Mistake #3 – You Believe Porn is Reality.
And You Rely on It Too Much.
Most men don’t realize relying on porn to get them off can lead to massive problems in bed.
Our brains aren’t wired for the variety of sexual partners internet porn provides. In one 30-minute browsing session, a teenager can see hundreds of attractive women. That’s more than the richest man in the world could have seen in his life few thousand years ago. Think about that!
Our brains evolved to have a very limited number of sexual partners. The endless, ever-expanding catalog of internet porn sort of scrambles men’s brains. Then when they go to have sex with an actual woman they can’t perform.
They become familiar with porn and reliant on it to get off. When they get in bed with a real woman, it’s way harder for them to feel aroused and stimulated. Some men end up requiring more and more extreme sex acts to reach orgasm. Which brings us to our next point…
Porn Can Give You PIED
There’s a condition called porn-induced erectile dysfunction. If you find yourself suffering from it, try the system discussed on NoFAP.org.
Stay away from PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm), and have faith it’ll come back after a while.
You Might Think Porn is Real or Educational. It’s Not.
Sex education is lacking in our culture. Because of this, many young men use pornography as an educational tool.
This isn’t exactly wrong. There are some similarities between porn and sex with real women… but there are way more differences. Please don’t use porn as an educational tool or think real sex looks anything like porn.
Men do themselves a great disservice when they believe the things they see in porn are real or typical of sex with women. They expect a woman to perform all kinds of kinky sex acts. They compare themselves in size or stamina to the average pornstar.
The best advice I can give you is to remind yourself it’s just a movie. Don’t watch porn at all. Rely on your imagination.
If you must watch porn, try to stick to one actress. That way your brain doesn’t become over-stimulated by a wide range of imaginary partners.
Big Mistake #4 – You Don’t Know How to Last Long Enough… or You Last Too Long
If You Don’t Last Long Enough (Premature Ejaculation)…
There’s no strict definition of what counts as “premature” ejaculation.
We like to say a working definition of “premature” is finished before you’re both ready. This could be five minutes into sex or 50 minutes in. It could be 30 seconds or 5 hours. The point is it’s before both of you wanted it.
The Good News
You’re not alone. Premature ejaculation impacts at least one in ten men at some point in their life.
Many men believe having oversensitive nerve endings in their penis causes their PE. This is very uncommon, affecting only about one-tenth of 1% of all men.
The Very Good News
Most premature ejaculation is caused by mistakes you’re making. This means you can fix it with a combination of mental work and physical practices.
If you experience premature ejaculation, please check out:
She’s a sex and relationship coach. Besides being the author of this guide, Caitlin specializes in helping men last longer in bed. She’ll help you build your confidence and stamina. You can end your performance anxiety once and for all.
Hacks to Overcome PE and Last Longer During Sex
Keep in mind these are just that… hacks. For more precise directions, head over to Caitlin’s site or download her free guide here: https://www.caitlinvneal.com/longer/
Hack #1 – The Number One Rule
The number one rule for curing your premature ejaculation: Become aware of and present with your body in all your various stages of arousal. Pay attention to how you feel from the time you take your clothes off until the time you ejaculate.
The best way to gain this familiarity is through practice. Practicing solo is the best way to become aware of how your body responds to stimulation.
While You Masturbate
Track your arousal on a scale of 1-10. 1 is completely unaroused and 10 is ejaculation.
Stop at regular intervals and assign yourself a number. You might notice you reach level 7 relatively quickly, and when you stop it drops down to a 3 or 4.
Try to get up to a level 9 (right before ejaculation). Then let yourself drop back down to a 5, and slowly bring yourself up to a 9 again.
The better you get at this by yourself, the more you’ll know when you need to stop with a partner. When you get to a 9 with her, either switch positions or go down on her for a while. Or leave the room to get a glass of water (don’t forget to tell her you’ll be right back).
Do whatever you need to do to buy yourself time so your arousal can decrease to a level 4 or 5.
Hack #2 – Masturbate for Longer Periods of Time
As a general rule, you want to masturbate for no less than 15 minutes. Never allow yourself to reach ejaculation in less than that time.
Having trouble lasting that long? Take a break when you feel the urge to cum. You can build up to the 15-minute minimum – you don’t have to last that long right away.
Hack #3 – For Anxiety
Many men notice a close relationship between anxiety and premature ejaculation.
If you experience a high degree of performance anxiety or any other mental strain that causes constriction and oversensitivity… you might fall into this category. If that’s the case, the exercises in the next section help to decrease anxiety.
Speaking with a professional often helps with some of the mental/emotional aspects. Even though we include physical practices below, you should still do the mental work. It might be less sexy… but the results will last a lot longer.
Hack #4 – Relax Your Muscles/ Don’t Hold Tension
What causes an orgasm? It happens when your nerves build up tension and then they release it in a pleasurable way.
To last longer, prevent the building of tension by consciously relaxing your muscles. Become aware of which muscles tend to tense by paying close attention to your hips, thighs, glutes, abs, and any other muscles you hold stiff or rigid when you get close to ejaculation. Most people find this technique alone buys them 10 to 20 more minutes of penetrative sex.
Avoid This Common Trick
Some men try a clever trick to last longer.
They delay ejaculation by thinking about something other than sex. Sometimes it works – but it usually causes other problems.
Do you delay ejaculation by thinking about baseball or doing math problems in your head? Women can tell when you aren’t paying attention. Nothing is a bigger turn off then someone thrusting away at you while thinking about God knows what.
Do you use the distraction/dissociation technique to prolong your erection? Stop right away. Use the techniques in the section on masturbating. They’ll help you last much longer without these cheap tricks.
When you’re in bed with a woman, make it a habit to turn towards pleasure. Go towards the positive and enjoyable sensations. Learning to ride the waves of pleasure is the only way to authentically last longer in bed. Eventually, you’ll be able to last longer and create MORE Pleasure too.
If You Lose Your Erection
Some men get so skilled at delaying ejaculation… they actually experience the opposite effect. They lose their erection.
Don’t freak out. Relax and it WILL come back.
If for any reason you lose your erection while using these techniques, please do not stress out. Losing your erection usually comes from thinking about it too much.
Relax and take deep breaths. Focus on calming yourself and pleasuring her. Don’t make a big deal out of it – she won’t lose her excitement and your erection will come back in no time.
If You Last Too Long (AKA Delayed Ejaculation)…
Some men actually experience the opposite of premature ejaculation.
When it comes to sex, more isn’t always better. Most women prefer quality over quantity.
Delayed ejaculation happens when you don’t ejaculate within the period of time you and your partner want you to. In other words, she’s done and can’t take anymore and you still haven’t finished.
If you regularly find yourself in this situation, don’t fret. There’s plenty you can do about it.
What You Can Do About It
A – Change Your Porn Habits
Or better yet, quit watching porn altogether.
As we discussed earlier, porn is the number one cause of sexual dysfunction in men. If your brain is used to watching a harem of hot women doing depraved stuff, when you get into bed with a real woman and she’s not into anal fisting… you’re going to have trouble getting off.
The best way to overcome the problem is to stop watching porn altogether. You could also switch to watching vanilla porn with a single actress and one actor at a time.
B – Get to Know Your Body
Do some work to get in touch with your body and your pleasure centers.
Many men experience delayed ejaculation because they’re disconnected from their bodies. Try doing things that reconnect you to your physical body.
Do some things that allow you to experience physical pleasure. Eat some delicious food. Take a hot bath. Smell some flowers. Listen to music or sounds you enjoy. Even yoga or guided meditations can help you cure your delayed ejaculation.
They’ll all help you experience physical pleasure in your body. They help you to return to your mindfulness-based pleasure centers.
C – Relax and Give It Time
Be gentle with yourself.
Work on any triggers or mental blocks you have around sex. If you find a repeating problem recurring in your mind, try to determine the source.
Did you experience a lot of shame around sex growing up? Someone else’s thoughts or beliefs could be infiltrating your mind. They’re making it difficult for you to reach orgasm with a partner.
Most importantly, don’t panic. Everything can be fixed or worked around – and delayed ejaculation is no different.
Big Mistake #5 – You Don’t Communicate (or Don’t Use Words to Communicate)
The ways you do this include…
A – You Assume You Know What She Wants
Whether it’s because we live in a sex negative society, or because we have trouble communicating in general… many men make the mistake of not communicating with their partners.
Communication, especially verbal, is important for pleasurable sexual experiences. The more uncomfortable you are, the more you need to talk!
Also, coming up with the right thing to say is not as important as being a good listener when she shares with you. It’s important to work on being non-judgmental. Don’t automatically try to fix any sexual dysfunction she experiences.
If she tells you she can’t have orgasms during penetrative sex, don’t try to come up with 10 different ways to get her there. Ask her how she can get off. Be ready, willing, and able to do whatever it takes at her direction.
B – You Don’t Let Her Know What You’re Thinking or Wanting
The same way you need to ask what she wants, you must be willing to share your sexual wants and needs.
If you’re not sure what they are, take some time to fantasize. Reflect, journal, and be honest with yourself. You can save yourself a lot of pain and heartache in the long run.
The truth is not all women know how to communicate about sexuality. You as a man can take the lead. Take the first step in addressing sexual communication (or the lack thereof).
Often the first step is saying something like “Do you have a moment to talk about something personal? I’ve been afraid to talk about this because I don’t want you to reject me, but it’s really important I share with you…”
Don’t expect her to read your mind – the same way you can’t read hers. Women often assume the very worst (like men). She might assume you’re not attracted to her… even though the real issue is you’re not telling her what turns you on.
Save yourself the heartache. Be willing to be vulnerable and express your wants and needs. The worst thing that can happen is she isn’t into the same things you are.
The best thing? Both of you get your needs met in new and pleasurable ways!
C – You’re Not Making Noise or Letting Her Know You’re Enjoying Sex.
Too many men think noise during sex is a female trait. It’s true that females have a tendency to be more vocal. Having said that, you do both your woman and yourself a disservice when you don’t voice or moan your approval.
Too many men act stoic in bed. They focus on their performance and not on having fun. It might surprise you to learn women actually want you to enjoy sex as much as you want us to enjoy it.
There are only a few ways to let us know how much you’re enjoying yourself. Using your voice is the best among them.
D – You Put Too Much Pressure on Her to Get Off
Putting too much pressure on her to be the one enjoying sex makes her go into performance mode. This is also known as “spectatoring.”
When this happens, a woman gets outside of her body (and sometimes even outside of her head). She winds up watching herself. Like a spectator watching a sport instead of an athlete playing on the court.
The pressure leads to fake orgasms. In fact, almost 100% of women report faking an orgasm at least once. They fake because of pressure from their male partner to experience pleasure and to get off.
Many women report that they’ve faked it just so sex will be over. Too many men are willing to settle for a fake orgasm… instead of doing the hard work of determining what her body needs to get off.
E – You Assume Sex is Just for Men
It surprises most men to learn women actually enjoy sex just as much as they do.
That’s right! Women CAN enjoy sex just as much as you do. In fact, they can enjoy it even more seeing as they can have multiple orgasms!
It sucks that we’ve been fed a lie about women being less sexual than men. This lie perpetuates a lot of sexual shame and causes tons of unnecessary guilt and pain.
If the woman you’re with doesn’t enjoy sex… it’s probably because all the men she’s been with treated sex like something she was giving to them. You can fix this by treating sex like something you’re giving to her.
Make it your goal for sex to be as pleasurable for her as possible. Sacrifice some of your own pleasure to help her heal, and over time she will unlock her inner sexual self.
F – You Make Assumptions About What She’s Into
Don’t assume she does or doesn’t want to do the “kinky stuff” you’re into.
You don’t know what she’s into until you ask her, but many men make the mistake of asking way too early. I’ve seen men text a woman before they even met her and ask if she’s into anal sex. This puts the woman in a difficult position.
See, if she likes you and would be willing to try anal, she’ll never get to know you. The question is very off-putting. She usually won’t want to meet up with you after you ask something like that too soon.
And if she’s not into anal but she is into you… she might lie because she doesn’t want to get cast aside before you even meet. This sets up an unrealistic expectation.
The Best Time to Ask What She Likes
When’s the best time to ask if she’s into something kinky? After both of you have indicated you’d like to have sex.
You might even be better off asking after you’ve already had sex – unless the thing is a fetish you must have to get off. Then it’s important for you to bring it up right away.
Don’t just go for the kinkier stuff without asking. And don’t assume you agree on what counts as “kinky.”
As a teenage I had a boyfriend who would touch my anus (my asshole) during and outside of sex. A lot.
I eventually asked him what the hell he was doing. He told me he read somewhere if you condition a woman to be comfortable with having her anus touched, she’ll be more comfortable with anal sex.
It was such a turn-off to hear he’d been trying to slowly manipulate my body over time. I vowed to never have anal sex with him. Ever.
I’ve also had men go for anal sex, rough sex, choking, holding me down, tying me up, spanking, using degrading language, knife play, rope play, and so much more… ALL WITHOUT ASKING.
In each of these scenarios, asking first would have given me the opportunity to decline (or accept!). We also could have negotiated the kinds of play that would have been a turn on for both of us.
Instead, each time it was such a turnoff I couldn’t get back into sex afterwards. If you’re going for something outside the norm, bring it up before you’re having sex… ideally before anyone even takes their clothes off.
That way everyone is calm, cool, collected, and sober enough to make decisions about what’s best for them. After all, not all women like to be choked or spanked. Some do… but you have to ask.
WHEN TO COMMUNICATE
Not all communication is equal. Make sure she feels heard and understood.
The setting can be important for making sure you get your points across to her. For example, some people communicate best outside of the bedroom.
Some people communicate well after sex. Their defenses are down, and they’re more comfortable being vulnerable.
For new partners, communicating before you get in bed is essential.
Some other things to keep in mind:
- Try to have conversations when you’re next to each other – like when you’re on a walk, for example. People tend to collaborate instead of compete when they’re next to each other. Two people sitting across from each other have a better chance of winding up in an argument than two people sitting side by side.
- Some conversations are best facilitated by a professional. Don’t hesitate to seek a coach or a couple’s counselor if you think you might need one.
- Remember communication takes practice (like all skills). You’ll get better at it the more you do it. It requires you to make mistakes before you know how to do it well – but the results are sooooo worth the effort.
Big Mistake #6 – You Don’t Understand Foreplay. You Wind Up Penetrating Her Before She’s Ready.
Foreplay starts immediately when you meet her.
It started the very first time you locked eyes. Men don’t seem to understand that women’s bodies (including their arousal) work differently from their own.
Many men have no problem compartmentalizing sexy time and non-sexy time. This means no matter what happened to them during the day, once they get home they can get aroused quite easily.
The same is not true for most women. Everything that happens during the day has an impact on their ability to switch into an aroused mode later.
Want to help her switch from non-sexy time to sexy time? Long hugs, massages, music, and eye gazing can help.
Also, consider all your actions towards her as either creating arousal in her… or dampening it. Don’t expect to go off on someone in traffic and then think she’ll easily get aroused and feel safe around you.
Arousal Works Differently for Every Woman
Some people get turned on by sex itself. Others get turned on by an energetic connection, others by sensual pleasures, and for others it’s more about power play and kink.
Some people get aroused by verbal stimuli, some are physical, and some are visual. It’s important to know yourself and what arouses you. That way you can express your needs, wants, and desires to your partner.
Plus, the better you know yourself, the more you know these other types and what works for them. Don’t expect the thing that worked for the last woman will always work for the next.
Most Men Make the Following Mistakes in Foreplay
A – Not Listening to Her in Bed (and Not Paying Attention to the Signs She’s Giving You)
Don’t just focus on yourself, and don’t bury your face and not make eye contact. When you do that… you might as well be anyone plowing anyone!
Be present with her. Enjoy the flush of her cheeks and watch her breathing. Make eye contact. Watch her hands as they grip the sheets.
Even if paying attention to her feels overwhelming at first, don’t shy away from it. Turn towards your discomfort and learn to read her every signal.
Notice everything you can – from her hands to her eyes to her dress to the way she walks. This is the only way to become a masterful lover to each individual woman you’re with.
B – Not Knowing if She Reaches Orgasm
If you have to ask, you’re not paying close enough attention. Or if you don’t feel anything happening on your dick, then chances are good she faked it.
What you do with this information is up to you. She might want sex to be over and so she’s faking it so you’ll finally cum. If that’s the case, you can (and should) finish up then have a conversation.
Or perhaps she didn’t fake it – but it was a small orgasm. You could pay closer attention to her body and help her experience larger, more earth-shattering orgasms in the future.
C – Not Incorporating Her Whole Body
You want to incorporate her whole body into foreplay and sex. Don’t just focus on your favorite few parts.
Sex is a total body experience for most women. To get her whole body involved, I suggest you use…
Tripp’s Target Technique 😃
Start stimulating the outer rim/least erogenous areas on her body. Slowly begin moving into the center/more erogenous zones.
Begin with her face, hands, and arms. Then move to her butt and thighs before making contact with her nipples, clit, and internal vagina.
Also, please understand the vagina is actually divided into three areas:
- The external (the clit and vulva).
- The shallow internal (the vaginal opening and g-spot)
- The deep vagina (the area near the cervix).
You need to warm up each area up separately. Each area can stimulate a different type of orgasm. See below for the different kinds of female orgasms.
D – Not Knowing How to Finger Fuck Her
Finger fucking is a lost art.
I can’t say enough about good things about it. Your fingers are way more agile and capable of stimulating her than your penis and tongue will ever be.
Do you truly want to arouse her? Want to get her to a point where she can orgasm through vaginal penetration or have a squirting g-spot orgasm?
Warm her up first by gently using your fingers. Then more aggressively stimulate her with your fingers until she’s on cloud nine. It’s the best way to get there.
E – Not Using Your Fingers During Oral Sex
I know your hand cramps. Your neck gets tired. You feel like your body is going to fall apart… trust me, giving a blow job is no walk in the park either!
Your fingers are great and your mouth is great. But the two of them together are way more amazing than either of them alone. The sum of their parts is the most orgasmic and pleasurable bliss you can provide for a woman.
F – Penetrating Way, Way, Waaaaay Too Soon
Most men penetrate way too soon.
Don’t be one of them – even if this is the 100th time you’ve had sex. Even if the last time you had sex she was able to be penetrated right away.
It can take up to 20 minutes for a woman’s body to get ready for penetrative sex. It’s important to know the signs her body gives off when she’s ready for penetration.
Namely: she’s asking for it. She’s moving her body or her pelvis in line with yours. Her vaginal lips and vulva are a darker color and more full in volume than they were before.
Take Your Time
Don’t immediately start pumping away once you’re in. Go slow and make gentle, shallow strokes that go a little deeper each time.
It’s important to go slow when you first enter a woman. Begin with a grinding motion instead of a thrusting one.
Too many men start by thrusting and don’t give her body the chance to acclimate to having something inside of it.
A Fun Experiment
Would you like to know what it feels like for a woman during penetrative sex?
Lube up a finger and insert it into your anus. You’ll soon realize it feels much better to give your anus time to acclimate to the finger. Then you can start thrusting in and out.
Seriously consider what it feels like for her to accept you inside her body. Be a gracious and gentle guest, and she’ll reward you with much pleasure… and maybe even an orgasm (or several)!
When Can You Penetrate Her Hard and Fast?
After building rhythm and slowly increasing speed for a while (and when her vagina is open and ready), it’s time to go hard, fast, and deep. At this stage of arousal, her body is able to accept deep penetration.
This also tends to be the hardest time for men to keep up. It’s usually either because of physical stamina or the desire to ejaculate. Make sure you’re practicing to build your ability to withstand pleasure alone – before you get with a partner.
Big Mistake #7 – You Don’t Understand Female Anatomy and Orgasms
Women’s bodies (and to some degree men’s) can have many different kinds of orgasms. Some can happen outside of the genital region.
Once, after a night of heavy drinking, my boyfriend licked my nipple into an absolute frenzy. It actually released an explosion of pleasure… a nipplegasm!
Like an orgasm that originates in your penis, all orgasms have the same components. They start with a sustained building of sensation, which leads to a pleasurable release of tension in the nerves.
When you look at them like that, orgasms are way less of a magical enigma. They’re just a basic bodily function you and your partner are able to tap into.
Keep Several Things in Mind About Her Orgasms:
1 – Don’t assume it’s your responsibility to bring her to orgasm.
If you’re with a woman who has NEVER experienced an orgasm on her own, allow me to take the pressure off of you. It’s not your job to make it happen for her.
Orgasms are not like gifts you can give another person – they’re the result of intention from both sides. If you’re tasked with the major responsibility of providing orgasms to someone who has never had them… you’re feeling an undue amount of performance anxiety. And who wouldn’t?
Women grow up being taught masturbation and self-pleasure are wrong. Very few learn, whether through self-exploration or education, how to bring themselves to orgasm. This is a travesty.
What ends up happening is a woman starts having sex for the first time never having experienced pleasure in their vulvas and vaginas. It’s hard for her to know what she likes or what she wants.
She doesn’t know what works to get her off because she’s never explored for herself. It would be like trying to tell someone how to get to a restaurant in a town you’ve never been to… without even consulting a map!
2 – Most men don’t understand the different types of orgasms and their anatomy. Don’t be like most men.
It might surprise you to hear there are actually three main types of orgasms for women.
Each of them feels distinct, but they all stem from the same series of nerves. Not all women can tell the difference… especially if they’re not super connected to their body.
It’s not important (and in fact could be counterproductive) for you to try to help her achieve each of them. The most important thing for you to know is that the best way to reach each of them is different.
Focus on building all the following skills and then be flexible based on what works best for her. There is no set, predefined order orgasms could or should take place in. I’ve arranged them here in the order they most likely happen, and in the way you can most easily achieve them.
The Three Types of Orgasms
What are they?
The easiest to recognize and most well-known orgasm is the clitoral. This one is unlocked through the clitoris, located above the vaginal opening.
When a woman uses her fingers or a small vibrating device on the outside of her body, she’s stimulating her clitoris. These orgasms happen through external stimulation.
They can be compared to greeting guests at the entrance to a house. You wouldn’t just storm into someone’s house, right? You’d knock on the door first and wait to be invited inside. You can see the clitoral orgasm as sort of a way of knocking and earning entrance into the house.
How to make them happen
The best way to unlock a clitoral orgasm is with your mouth. Since you’ve already started with Tripp’s target technique (see above), you already know to start by stimulating the insides of her thighs and the skin around her vulva… maybe even before you take her panties off.
You can apply pressure to the skin of the vulva around the clit… but be very sensitive to the clit itself. If you want to know what it feels like to have your clit touched, imagine someone touching the tip of your nose. Better yet, imagine them touching the inside of your eyelid. You always want to approach gently and NEVER with a dry hand or tongue.
Once you’ve teased her enough, turn your attention to her clit. Start with feather-light touches from your lips. Blow gently with your mouth and barely touch her clit at all.
The best is when you can tease her so much she starts to move her hips and vulva towards your mouth. It’s like she’s aching for you to give her more pressure!
Even when you start to increase the pressure, do so VERY slowly. Never use so much pressure she feels like you’re a pencil eraser trying to rub her clit off of the page.
Light kissing and licking, as though you were sweetly kissing her lips with an open mouth, works best. Once you see that she’s getting closer to orgasm, MAINTAIN THE SAME PRESSURE AND RHYTHM!
I can’t tell you how many orgasms have been lost to men who changed something at the very last minute. If it’s working for her, don’t change anything!
She’ll push her hips into you if she needs more pressure. If she needs less, she’ll move away. Just remain consistent and dedicated. You’ll be rewarded with an awesome clitoral orgasm.
Some things to keep in mind:
- Most women take about 10-20 minutes to reach a clitoral orgasm. Don’t rush.
- The clitoris actually looks a bit like a tree. Besides what you can see from the outside, there’s a massive amount of erectile tissue. It’s attached behind it directly and to the left and right, running behind the labia.
What are they?
You can think of the g-spot as a sort of gathering of nerves on the inside of the body. They’re related to the nerves that make up the clit.
In truth, the g-spot is not a spot. It’s a tube of erectile tissue surrounding the urethra to protect it from damage during sex. The most important things to keep in mind are that:
- The g-spot doesn’t “appear” until a woman is already aroused.
- Not all women’s g-spots are the same in location, shape, and sensitivity. Don’t give up hope if you can’t find the g-spot right away.
Where is the G-spot?
The g-spot is on the anterior (front/belly side) wall of a woman’s vagina. It’s usually two to three inches above the vaginal opening.
It’s called a “spot” because it feels like a little nub or bean. It’s distinct in texture from the skin surrounding it.
G-Spot Orgasms – How to make them happen
If the clitoral orgasm is like being greeted at the front door… the g-spot could be compared to having cocktails in the sitting room. It’s most easily unlocked with your fingers.
To reach the g-spot, bend your fingers into a “come here” motion. Use your first and middle finger to apply pressure to the inside of her vaginal wall. You might have to gently explore with your fingertips before you locate the exact spot. MAKE SURE YOUR NAILS ARE TRIMMED.
Once you find it, she’ll usually let you know by moaning or by changing her breathing. The G-Spot responds primarily to pressure. You can use way more pressure on it then you can on the clitoris – by a long shot.
In fact, once she’s really aroused (and only once she’s really aroused, ideally after a clitoral orgasm)… you can use an epic amount of pressure in a rhythmic fashion to trigger a G-spot orgasm. Sometimes this causes her to squirt as well.
That’s right! Squirting orgasms are G-spot orgasms, but not all G-spot orgasms include squirting. Either way, they feel absolutely fabulous. She’ll be thanking you later 🙂
Things to Know About the G-Spot Orgasm
1. It Takes Time
It can take up to 20 minutes of stimulation for a woman to reach orgasm there. With that in mind, make sure you save your stamina up for the last couple minutes. You don’t want to go full speed when you begin because your arm will get tired.
2. Not All Women Can Orgasm This Way
Not all women are going to be able to orgasm this way. She really needs to trust you.
It might not happen if this is the first time you’re having sex. If she has a lot of trouble letting go, she won’t be able to give herself over enough to have a G-Spot orgasm.
3. You Can Cause One From Behind
Sometimes G-spot orgasms can be triggered by sex from behind (doggy style). Even if it doesn’t trigger an orgasm, it can feel good if you angle yourself to stimulate her G-spot. Sometimes men with curved penises have more luck than men with straight ones.
What Are They?
Cervical orgasms originate in the cervix, which is at the very end of the vaginal canal. Have you ever gotten so deep inside a woman you caused her discomfort? You were hitting her cervix too early.
The cervix can be intensely sensitive. It moves around during her monthly cycle as well as during penetrative sex.
If the clitoris is like greeting someone at the door and the G-Spot is like having cocktails in the living room… the cervical orgasm is dessert after a dinner party. You can only unlock it after the other things have taken place. This happens during a process called vaginal tenting.
Vaginal tenting allows her vaginal canal to become longer. She can then accommodate the deep rhythmic thrusting needed for a cervical orgasm.
To Give Her a Cervical Orgasm
The best way to unlock a cervical orgasm is with your cock. It requires deep rhythmic thrusting and lots and lots of foreplay.
Most women’s bodies will not be able to accept your cock deep enough until they’ve been aroused for up to 40 minutes. This means that stamina is incredibly important in achieving this kind of orgasm.
There are extra sensitive areas of a woman’s body hidden deep inside her vaginal canal. They only become uncovered once her uterus has moved out of the way. It only moves after an extended time of arousal for most women. This is the only kind of orgasm triggered by deep rhythmic penetrative thrusting. Usually, anyway.
A Note on Orgasms
There are a few things to keep in mind that apply to all orgasms.
- First, there is no hierarchy of orgasms. One is not better or more desirable than the others. Triggering one doesn’t make you an amazing lover. Failing to trigger any doesn’t mean you’re not a great lover.
- I’ve laid them out here as if they were separate. In reality, they’re all triggered by a very closely bundled set of nerves. For women who are less familiar with their bodies, it’s very challenging to know the difference between one orgasm and another.
- In fact, some experts argue all orgasms are the same. Speaking from personal experience, there’s definitely a difference. And sometimes two or three orgasms can get triggered at the same time. This further complicates everything we’ve discussed here.
Having said that, I encourage you to do the work and exploration necessary to experience each of these three orgasms. All three have an incredible power to add pleasure and joy to your life.
I felt an emotional release the first time I had a squirting orgasm. It surprised me – I didn’t expect it.
I’ve had cervical orgasms that felt like they opened me up to a spiritual experience. One shot like a light from my cervix straight up my spine and out through the top of my head.
Other women have described cervical orgasms as warm tingles or waves. These waves emanate out from their pussy and coat their entire body.
I’ve had tons of clitoral orgasms as well. They were the easiest and most accessible to get to.
I’ve had orgasms that made my entire body shake and convulse. I’ve had a cervical orgasm that felt more like a smooth tide rolling than a tsunami.
No two orgasms are the same – even in the same woman, even triggered by the same person doing the same thing.
I invite you to celebrate the diversity of orgasms. You’ll learn to appreciate them for their uniqueness.
Big Mistake #8 – You Make Orgasms the Sole Purpose/Goal of Sex
This Puts A LOT of Pressure on Her
When a man makes his woman’s orgasm the sole goal of sex, he puts her in a difficult position. The harder you work to have an orgasm, the more elusive it can be.
The woman will feel pressured to “make” sex great for you through her signs of pleasure. And it can feel absolutely exhausting. You end up leaving a woman feeling like she needs to perform… instead of sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying.
Trust me when I say women can enjoy sex without reaching orgasm. This is true for men as well, but we don’t talk about it that often.
Focus on the Fun
Have sex with the goal of having fun. Trying to make each other feel good is far more enjoyable than sex where orgasms are the only goal.
Also, get over the idea that every time you have an erection you need to reach ejaculation and climax. If you start seeing arousal as part of a longer process (instead of something that always leads to orgasm) your stamina will increase immediately… as will your enjoyment of sex!
Big Mistake #9 – You Think Sex is Over When You Cum
If you’re like many of the men I work with, you have trouble maintaining your stamina long enough to trigger the orgasms discussed above. If so, this section is for you.
Just because you came it doesn’t mean sex is over. Women have an incredible ability to be multi-orgasmic.
Studies have shown it takes the average man between 5 and 7 minutes to reach ejaculation. It takes the average woman over 20 minutes to reach orgasm.
The Orgasm Gap
If you’re doing your math right, you’ll see there’s a huge gap here. It’s sometimes referred to as the orgasm gap or the orgasm deficit. It means, on average, men have more orgasms per sex session than women.
This is unacceptable! Women should be having way more orgasms than that. They literally wrote the book on being multi-orgasmic!
If you can’t make foreplay last long enough to reach orgasm through penetration sex… then you’ve got to get used to the idea that sex doesn’t have to end just because you came. You can continue to stimulate her with your hands and mouth, or you can get out a toy and use that.
You might even be able to stimulate her so long you wind up erect again. You can then go back for a second round yourself!
Big Mistake #10 – You Get in a Rut in the Bedroom.
Everything Becomes a Habit or a Routine.
Many couples, even if they’ve only had sex a handful of times, fall into a rut. They only try what worked before.
Even if something does work, over-reliance on ANYTHING makes sex stale and boring.
I once had sex with a guy who by the fourth time we got together was completely out of tricks. Sex with him was already boring… and we’d only been dating two weeks!
He’d learned enough about my body to figure out how to get me off. And then he stopped trying new stuff. Clearly, he was more interested in crossing the “Finish Line” than in exploring other things.
Here’s something that applies to sex as much as it applies to anything else…
Staying in your comfort zone leads to boredom, frustration, and ultimately death.
Your comfort zone is very small when you first get together. You’re still exploring each other and figuring out what works.
Once you’ve been together awhile, your comfort zone will become relatively wide. It’s up to you to continue to push yourself beyond that zone so sex remains exciting and novel. Women need excitement and novelty to consistently get off.
Women Need Variety
In fact, it surprises most men to learn women actually need way more novelty and originality than they do to feel arousal and reach orgasm.
Have you ever noticed a man can follow the same routine a hundred times and as long as it still works for him there’s no need to change it? I call this the don’t fix what ain’t broke mentality.
Women’s bodies and brains are very different. They crave novelty or else their sexual desire starts to shut down.
A Major Cause of Trouble in Most Long-Term Relationships
Have you ever had a long-term relationship start off hot but then fizzle out? You might be able to pinpoint the time where the same things that worked before stopped working.
Chances are this happened when your woman needed more novelty but didn’t know it. If she did know, she didn’t know how to talk to you about it. Or maybe she did try to change things up… but because things were still working for you, you didn’t do anything different.
To Spice It Up
One of the best ways to spice things up is with a yes/no/maybe list.
These ideas will get your creative juices flowing. The yes/no/maybe list covers a bunch of activities, and some are more outside of the box than others.
You and your partner each get a copy. You go through them individually and mark the items you would definitely be okay with trying. You then mark the ones you might want to try, and you mark the ones you definitely won’t try no matter what.
Once you’ve completed your lists, you share them with each other and compare notes.
Best case scenario – you’ll discover things you both want to try but neither of you ever brought up before!
Sometimes a Routine Isn’t Possible
There’s something else that needs to be stated here. Sometimes it’s not even possible to get into a habit or routine. Women’s bodies respond to different stimuli differently.
How she responds could depend on her mood, what happened earlier that day, the time of the month…
Sometimes I’m able to reach orgasm through penetration alone. Sometimes I need my clit to be stimulated.
Sometimes it’s enough to stimulate with my hands, and sometimes I need to use a vibrator. I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why.
I don’t think it’s worth trying to determine why this is. It’s enough to know this is the case (and keep the vibrator charged!). Speaking of which…
Don’t Feel Threatened by Her Toys
Her toys and her vibrator aren’t a threat to you. Please don’t think of them as one. It makes you look insecure and overly focused on your ego during sex.
Some men feel terrified when they find out their woman uses a sex toy. They’re afraid they’ll get replaced or they’re not actually able to satisfy her. This is ridiculous.
No toy could replace a human being. If she’s able to reach orgasm by herself with the toy but not with you, it’s doesn’t say anything bad about you. It has more to do with her and her ability to be comfortable and vulnerable in front of you.
Some women need a vibrator or a sex toy to reach orgasm. If this is the case for the woman you’re with, show her your level of understanding, support, and non-judgment. It’s the best way to assure a positive sexual experience for both of you.
The majority of women don’t regularly experience orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. This is not a mark on your manhood, a comment on the size of your dick, or a reflection of your abilities as a lover.
It’s not a problem and doesn’t need fixing, and it’s not a threat to you or your happiness. The more you can support her and do whatever it takes for her to get off, the better of a lover you will be.
Free Bonus Section – Other Problems You Might Have That Stop Your Sex Life From Being All It Could Be
Problem #1 – You Don’t Balance Giving and Receiving
- Don’t let yourself become too passive. She can’t always be the one pleasuring or taking care of you.
- You might not be leader/dominant/assertive enough. Or you might be too much. You might need to work on when and how to be dominant and how to push limits while respecting consent.
- Women need you to create space for us to become fully sexually unleashed. Listen to us and make us feel comfortable.
- Don’t be too aggressive- but what’s too aggressive can vary. Some women like being groped, grabbed, choked, and spanked. Some of us don’t.
Problem #2 – You expect access to women/feel entitled to sex with women
- Consent can be verbal or nonverbal – but it must be communicated.
- Don’t ever think that a woman owes you sex. The biggest turn off is when you pressure a woman to have sex with you out of the idea that she somehow owes you. This behavior is very unbecoming of a gentleman.
Problem #3 – You have an out of balance relationship with sex, drugs, and alcohol.
- Drugs and alcohol (in moderation) can be great tools to explore and enhance your sexuality. Cannabis specifically can be a great tool (don’t do anything illegal—we don’t condone using anything that includes breaking the law).
- Sex while drunk can get quite sloppy. You might engage in harassment, and you don’t hear no the same way when you’re drunk.
Problem #4. You want pity fucks from the friend zone. You associate with women ONLY as an attempt to get sex.
- You can’t get out of the friend zone. Women immediately know who they want to fuck and who they don’t.
- Stop trying to get into a woman’s pants by pretending to be her platonic friend. Make friends with women you don’t want to have sex with. Don’t have ulterior motives. Respect them and seek to understand them – understanding women will help you in the long run. Women are different than men. They think very differently.