Have you ever met a girl and you were both clearly interested in seeing each other again, but for some reason you never got her out on the first date? You don’t really “get” what went wrong. She gave you her number, you started texting each other, but then something weird happened…
She started taking longer to reply. Her replies got shorter, and eventually… she faded away and stopped replying altogether.
So what the hell happened?
It’s simple. You didn’t know how to keep her interested in you over text long enough to get her out on a date. I know, I know… texting is like a big mystery for a lot of us guys. It’s like some kind of secret language that we’re expect to already know how to speak. Girls seems to speak it just fine, but for us… it’s confusing.
But here’s the good news. When you learn the rules of the game, you can play to win. Once you learn the “secret structure” of flirting over text, it’s like having a superpower… an unfair advantage over every other guy she’s talking to. Texting IS that superpower, and here’s why it’s critical to learn it if you want more women in your life:
- You’ll get way more dates with women who like you and want to be with you
- You’ll know how to keep a woman interested in you in between dates
- And those phone numbers you get from women will actually turn into relationships and sex
Also, it’s important to learn this because, if she’s at all attractive, she has other guys who are texting her as well. If she’s getting a bunch of typical, boring texts from you, and other guys are sending her texts that make her feel good and capture her interest, she’s going to go out with them and not you. Let’s make sure that doesn’t happen.
The Most Important Thing To Know About Getting A Girl’s Number
To begin with, the phone number by itself is totally useless, and here’s why: When a girl gives you her number, she’s not giving you a guarantee of a date. She’s only giving you an invitation to keep contacting her. You still have to capture her attention and get her out on a date.
In the meantime, there’s still that gap between when you first meet her and when you see her next. During that time, you’re competing with all her social media notifications, friends, family, and other guys who are interested in dating her as well.
ALL those people want her attention… just like you do, so how are you going to stand out in that sea of noise? Call her? Most women don’t answer the phone these days, and prefer to communicate by text (at least until they get to know you better). So learning how to text is no longer optional. It’s a requirement if you want to date an attractive woman.
Lucky for you, I’ve got you covered. In this post, you’ll learn:
- 3 deadly mistakes every guy makes with texting that kills their chances with the girl they want
- A simple trick I discovered that helps eliminate neediness and anxiety when she’s not texting back right away
- A little-known “texting trap” almost every guy falls into and how to avoid it
- The C.A.R.E. Sequence – your ultimate blueprint for knowing exactly what kind of text to send her and when
- What to say if she stops responding to you or she’s giving short, one-word answers to your texts
- And much more!
Let’s roll up our sleeves and learn this stuff. And don’t worry, it’s easy once you know the secrets that make it all work. I’ve got your back. The best way to get started is to learn…
The Foundation: The 5 Basic Principles Of Texting
Let’s start with how to actually learn about texting. The first thing you need to know is that learning how to text a girl is not like learning math. In other words, when you learn that 1 + 1 = 2, you don’t need to learn anything else to understand it better. You’ve learned the code, and now you’re done.
Texting is more like learning how to speak another language, or play an instrument, or learning a sport. In other words, there’s a learning curve. Here’s why that’s good news for you. Most guys won’t bother reading a post like this, and so you’ll be way ahead of them and have an unfair advantage. With that said, let’s dive into the five principles of texting.
Principle #1 – You must think about things from her viewpoint – You probably don’t realize what the daily reality of an attractive girl is. She only has so much available attention, and everyone wants a piece of it. What does that mean for you? I means that she’s not going to respond to your texts just because you want her to. She always has options, and so she doesn’t “have” to reply to your texts if they don’t spark her interest.
Principle #2 – Make her feel something – Women make decisions about who to give their attention to based on how to they feel in the moment. If you send plain, boring texts like “Hey, how’s it going?” all the time, she’s not going to get any emotional value from interacting with you over text. Don’t think of texting as a way of exchanging data, think of it as a way of giving her feelings (which she then associates with you).
Principle #3 – Metal is easier to bend when it’s red hot – Let’s say you want to bend a metal pipe. It makes sense to heat the pipe up first so it bends easily, right? Well the same thing applies to her emotions and decision making process. If you give her a spike of positive feelings with your texts and THEN ask her out… that’s like heating up the metal and then bending it. Much easier, right? When you ask her out while she’s feeling good about you, the chances of her saying yes are much higher.
Principle #4 – Always be closing – After you meet her, you should be leading the interaction forward toward some kind of relationship (either romantic or just sexual). Don’t just have regular conversations over text. Keep in mind that you need to get her out on a real date and take the steps toward beginning a relationship and getting physical together.
Principle #5 – Master the High-Status Filter – Guys often lose their chances with a woman because they put too much importance (and pressure) on that one girl. Instead try this: act as if you’ve got a dozen other women texting you, and that you’re someone who is high status. If you had a lot of women texting you, you’re not going to try and have long, drawn out conversations with one woman. This will help remind you that you need to get her out on a date, not waste time becoming her texting buddy. The High-Status Filter also helps when you’re feeling anxious and waiting for her to reply to your messages and she’s taking longer than you want.
3 Deadly Texting Mistakes Most Guys Make
Imagine if you were about to start driving a car, but you had one foot on the gas and one on the brake. Would you go anywhere? Of course not! But would you waste gas, waste time, and put stress on the engine?
Absolutely. It’s a total waste of resources, right?
The same is true when you get a girl’s number and start making any of these three deadly texting mistakes. You already put the effort in of getting her interested in you and getting her number… but if you start making these mistakes and she loses interest (and stops replying), then it was all for nothing. The first thing to learn here is how to take your foot “off the brakes” regarding texting. Then you’ll start moving forward automatically.
Mistake #1 – Trying to build attraction over text – One of the most important things to remember is that it’s better to build attraction in person when you’re face to face, not over text. I’ve seen lots of guys use text to try and tell stories, be funny or sarcastic, asking her deep questions, etc. Before long, she loses interest, starts replying less and less, and then just stops replying altogether.
Mistake #2 – Waiting too long to invite her out and set up the date – The main reason you get a girl’s number is because you’re not able to take her out on a date right then and there when you meet her. Then you both get busy. The longer you wait to ask her out, she more chance she has to forget about you. Remember, she’s on social media all day long and also has other guys asking her out. She wants a guy who is going to step up and ask her out. Just go for it!
Mistake #3 – Not having a plan before you text her – Lots of guys will fire off a boring text without giving it much thought. They’ll say things like, “Hey, what are you up to?” What they don’t realize is that she gets texts like this all the time from other guys. Instead, just put a little thought into what you want to send her, and you’ll be much more likely to stand out and win her attention.
The C.A.R.E. Sequence – Your Step-By-Step Blueprint For Knowing Exactly What To Say At Every Stage In The Relationship
This is one of my favorite things that I created in my career as a dating coach. It’s a simple roadmap that lets you know what kind of message to send a girl… depending on where you are in the process. What’s great about this is that you’ll never have to worry about feeling lost and confused and unsure of what to say anymore. The C.A.R.E. Sequence solves this mystery for you.
C.A.R.E. is an acronym that stands for:
C – Close (as in “going for the close”)
A – Asking a question
R – Reminder her what she saw in you in the first place (either personality traits or topics you connected over)
E – Eliminate excuses for not setting up a date
C = Close – This is what you should start with when you first get her number. She still has good feelings about meeting you, and she gave you her number so she could see you again. There’s no reason to initiate some long, drawn out “get to know you over text” conversation. Just go straight for the close by inviting her out on a date. Remember, she wants to meet up. Now just make it easy for her to do that by offering the invitation.
SIDENOTE: Notice I said “invite” her on a date, not “ask” her on a date. There’s a subtle difference in psychology here. When you’re asking, you’re coming from a place where you are lower status than her and you want something from her. When you invite her on a date, you’re coming from the place of being an equal. It’s subtle, but it’s actually very important if you want to be attractive to beautiful women.
So what do you do if you went for the close, and she was either too busy or she just didn’t answer? Then we shift down to the second level of the C.A.R.E. Sequence.
A = Asking a question – This is actually a lot easier than it sounds. Just ask her a simple question that she can answer without putting much thought into it. If it’s easy for her to answer, she’ll probably just dash off a quick answer. Then when she does, you immediately move back up to stage 1 which is going for the close.
Here’s a simple example:
YOU: Hey, weird question. Which is better… dark chocolate or milk chocolate?
HER: Definitely milk chocolate. Why?
YOU: (this is where you shift back into going for the close) – I was thinking of hitting up this gourmet chocolate bar sometime in the next week. Let’s go together?
HER: That sounds great actually 🙂
And just like that… BOOM, you got a date! Now here’s the funny thing. If you had just texted her out of the blue and asked her to go on the date (after she had already ignored your previous messages), she probably would not have responded. But since you re-engaged her with the question, now it’s back on again.
SIDENOTE: You also have to decide if you even want to pursue a girl who gives out her number and doesn’t follow up with you. She might be a flake, or she might just have been busy and forgot to reply. If you think she’s worth pursuing, then go for it… but don’t think that you have to use the C.A.R.E. Sequence with every girl. Sometimes you just have to let them go when they’re not responding so you can reinvest your attention into girls who are more interested in you.
R = Remind her of what she saw in you in the first place – This is stage 3 of the sequence. What you’re doing here is sending her a quick reminder of something you either talked about, or a sample of your personality that she liked. If you were funny, then now is the time to send her something funny, like a funny GIF or meme. Just go to images.google.com and search for “funny memes”.
Why do this? Well maybe she’s just been busy and forgot what it was that she liked about you, and she just needs a little nudge to remind her. Maybe you two connected over your love of ethnic food, so you send her a text saying:
YOU: Hey, I’m cooking some Indian food tonight. Do you like to cook?
HER: I love Indian food! I can’t cook it, but I can eat it… lol.
YOU: I actually know an amazing place to get Indian street food. How about we go together sometime this week?
HER: Really? I’d love to!
Now if you notice in the first text, I sent a combination of stage 3 and stage 2. First, I reminded her of what we connected over when we first met (ethnic food). Then I also included a simple question she could respond to without thinking (Do you like to cook?).
Once she responded, then I went for the close. You see how you work backwards toward stage 1 where you’re going for the close? That’s how you use the C.A.R.E. Sequence.
E = Eliminate excuses – This is the fourth and final stage of the sequence, and it involves getting her on the phone to set up the date right then and there. This stage is very useful for girls who are being difficult and won’t commit over text to going on a date. Maybe she’s just playing hard to get or maybe she’s not sure if she’s interested in you enough to say yes. In that case, it’s okay to use a little bit of strategy to gently move things forward.
Here’s what you do. You can either use stage 3 or stage 2 (or both like I did in my example above with the Indian food). As soon as she responds, you call her while her phone is already in her hand. Then it will be hard for her to not answer, because you will know she’s avoiding your call if she doesn’t pick up now… and she won’t want to hurt your feelings.
Yes, I know this is putting her on the spot a little bit, but honestly… she’s been playing hard to get for a while now. It’s time to take away the chance for making excuses to put things off even further. Here’s what it would look like with the example above:
YOU: Hey, I’m cooking some Indian food tonight. Do you like to cook?
HER: I love Indian food! I can’t cook it, but I can eat it… lol.
(Then call her as soon as you send that text.)
Once you’re on the phone, you can tell her about the amazing Indian street food restaurant you know about, and that you’d love to take her there. The phone call is a chance for you to reconnect with the same “vibe” you both had when you exchanged numbers in the first place. Then (hopefully) you’ll both be feeling the same positive vibe after being on the phone for a few minutes, and you can invite her out on a date.
Main points to remember about the C.A.R.E. Sequence:
She wants to meet up with you. The C.A.R.E. Sequence is about making it easier for her to say yes in a smooth and natural way.
- NEVER tell a girl you’re using any kind of techniques or strategies on her. She wants things to feel natural and effortless. It’s okay if you’re doing a bit of work so she can feel that way. One of the greatest feelings as a man is creating a little magic for her to experience. Don’t discuss the C.A.R.E. Sequence with her or any other techniques for that matter. Just let her enjoy how easy it is to connect with you.
- Always start with going for the close, and then work your way through the stages until you get a result, or until you realize it’s time to move on to someone who is more interested in you. And by the way, moving on would also be a win for you. You don’t waste time on girls who aren’t into you.
Common Mistakes And Pitfalls To Avoid
- Asking a bunch of interview questions over text. Questions like, “Where are you from? What do you do? How long have you lived here? What are you studying in college?” – And so on. She will find it boring, so don’t do it. You’ll find that stuff out as you get to know her in person.
- Not texting with enough girls. When you’re texting with multiple girls, it helps keep your mind in the right place. You’ll be less needy, and you’ll be more relaxed and authentic when you’re not trying so hard to impress that one girl.
- Telling her you want to hang out and then saying, “Let me know”. Listen, she wants a guy who lets HER know and asks HER out. Don’t put her in the position of having to ask you out if she’s interested. Girls like it when you step up and lead.
- Being too eager and too excited. When you do that, you’re basically saying that you’re not the kind of guy who is used to communicating with attractive women. That’s going to turn her off and make you seem like you have no life and that girls don’t find you sexy. Be cool, hang back, be authentic, and keep the interaction moving forward so you two can actually start dating.
- Responding right away all the time. When you do that, you’re setting up the expectation that this is what you’ll always do. Then when you don’t respond right away in the future, you’ll have to deal with her being upset or worried. Also, when you’re always responding right away, it makes it seem like you have nothing going on in your life. So don’t do that. If it’s not time-sensitive, then wait a bit before responding.
- Sending sexual texts and pictures (sexting). Believe it or not, girls post screenshots of that stuff on their Facebook and Instagram for all their friends to see. I’ve seen this happen MANY times. If you send a girl something that’s too sexual toward the beginning of getting to know her, she’s going to embarrass you by posting it (probably along with your name and photo) for everyone to see. The Internet is written in pen, not pencil. Don’t be stupid. If you already have a sexual relationship with her, then of course it’s okay, but definitely not before.
- Not caring about spelling. Girls always complain about this. Don’t spell like a nine year old kid. It’s repulsive to intelligent women. Don’t use words like “B4” instead of “before”.
I hope you enjoyed this post. It contains everything you need to know in terms of overall strategy for texting girls. Now you just need to practice. Remember, learning how to text girls is like learning to play an instrument or a sport. It takes time to get to the place where it’s effortless and automatic.
The good news is that you have a proven strategy laid out here before you. That means you won’t waste months and years with painful trial and error, not to mention losing out on countless opportunities with girls. That’s what happens when you end up practicing the wrong stuff. You get bad results. This post is designed to get you practicing the right stuff.
The best thing for you to do now is to put this stuff to work right away. Look through your contacts and initial some C.A.R.E. Sequences on the women you’ve been texting with.
Bookmark this post and refer back to it often. Also, if you got value from this post, then be sure to share this with your friends who also want to learn more about women.
P.S. – One last thing. I prepared a short video for you (see below) that teaches you 7 of my best text messages. You’ll definitely want to see this before you start practicing what you learned in this post.
Now that you know the overall strategy of how to text a girl so things go smoothly, let’s take it one step further. Instead of you having to come up with things to say, I’ve already done the work for you. I went ahead and created a special video for you which gives you my top seven texts that get girls to reply to you FAST!
- The same night sex text. Send this to her when you want her to come over to spend time with you (and feel good about doing it). She won’t feel like it’s a cheap booty call, yet she’ll still know that it’s going to be an R-Rated encounter.
- The anti-flake text. Use this when a girl has to cancel plans with you, but it seems like she still wants to see you. What you say in this moment is critical, because it’s easy to lose her completely at this point.
- The “get her chasing you” text. This is an easy way to get her feeling more eager and excited to meet up with you.
- The girlfriend text. I love this one. Send her this after you two have agreed to start dating and she’s now your girlfriend. This will make her feel really happy to be dating you (she might even brag about your text to her friends).
- The friend zone destroyer text. Use this if it seems like she’s about to put you in the friend zone. This will let you flirt with her in a very subtle way that she can still feel without it being “too much”.
- The rapid reply text. This creates instant (and intense) curiosity, and she’ll have to reply quickly before it drives her crazy.
- The instant date text. Send this when you’d like to invite her out on a date and you want to know exactly what to say.
The video is free. Just enter your primary email in the link below and tell me where to send it.
Bonus Troubleshooting Section
Surprise! In order to make absolutely sure you’ve got everything you need, I created this extra section to address any common problems or questions that come up.
To begin with, most of the problems you’re going to experience come from the fact that she’s not attracted to you. If she’s attracted to you, she’ll respond. Girls want to meet guys, date, and have sex. With that said, let’s get these problems handled.
QUESTION: I don’t know what to say in my text message. If you’re worried about saying the right thing, you still think you have to have a big, long conversation over text. You don’t. Just focus on going for the close and getting her out on a date. If she’s interested in you, she’ll say yes.
QUESTION: What if she doesn’t respond to the initial text? She probably didn’t get enough of a sample of who you are and your personality. It’s up to you if you want to invest. If she’s just not responding, she’s not interested. It’s best to pursue someone else than wasting time on a disinterested girl. It’ll just frustrate you and make her feel uncomfortable.
Remember, girls (typically) aren’t wired for confrontation like men are. She’d rather just go silent and not reply to you than have to explain why she’s changed her mind and doesn’t want to go out with you anymore. Why? Because some guys overreact and start calling her nasty names (or make physical threats) if she rejects them, so it’s easier (and safer) for her to not reply. Don’t take it personally. She might just be scared to say no. It’s okay to let her off the hook, even if she was interested to begin with. People change their minds, and it’s okay. There are lots of other great girls who would be happy to date you.
QUESTION: How do I “revive” a dead phone number (an old number you haven’t texted or called in a while)? That’s easy. Just send her what I call the “CPR text”. It’s like sending her a jolt of positive emotions. Just send her a funny image, meme, or GIF. Usually she’ll respond, and then you can initiate the C.A.R.E. Sequence.
QUESTION: What if she’s texting, but not agreeing to meet in person? That usually means you’ve become a texting buddy. She’s not invested and interested in you sexually. She might be happy to text with you because she’s bored during the day. Then she’ll meet up with the people she actually wants to spend time with. It’s best to stop texting with her. You’re investing your attention into a relationship that will go nowhere. Cut your losses and move on.
QUESTION: What do I do if she flakes, stands me up, or cancels plans? Chances you waited too long to ask her out in the first place. Remember that women base their decisions on their emotions of the moment. She might have forgotten how she felt about you when she was with you.
If you get her number early in the night, text her that night and see if she’ll meet up with you. You’d be surprised how many girls will. Also, don’t set the date too far out or you risk having too long of a gap between the first meeting and the first date. Then it’s much easier for her to justify flaking on you.
But what if she does flake? Be unreactive and use the C.A.R.E. Sequence. But why try again when there are many other women. Is a flake someone you really want to see again? Think from a place of abundance.
QUESTION: What if I call her and she doesn’t answer the phone, but texts me back instead? She might be busy and can’t talk. Don’t assume she’s ignoring you because she doesn’t like you. It’s really no big deal. Be unreactive, and don’t call attention to it. Proceed with a statement of what you’re up to and then invite her out.
QUESTION: I’m getting mixed messages from her and I can’t tell if she’s interested in me. What should I do? It’s much more simple than that. If she’s interested in you over text, she’ll be agreeing to meet up with you in person. If she is, then don’t worry about whether her messages are totally congruent and she’s professing her desire for you over text. She might just not know what to say, OR she might be playing hard to get with you because she likes you. Just go for the close and get her out on a date.
QUESTION: How do I get her to not cancel our plans? The main thing that determines whether she keeps plans or not is how attracted she was during the initial interaction. When you get her number, text her within 24hrs and go for the close. Don’t set the date too far out or you risk her forgetting how she felt when she was with you initially.
QUESTION: How do I avoid sounding needy? Don’t send a lot of texts, especially random ones that have nothing to do with anything important. Don’t send stuff like, “Hey what’s up? How are you? Etc.” Also avoid texts that try to “get” something from her… like attention or reassurance that she still likes you. Before you hit SEND, ask yourself if your text has a point to it, or if you just want her attention. Focus on going for the close instead.
QUESTION: What do I do if I’m not getting a prompt answer? Remember, you’re not trying to have a long conversation over text. Focus on the close and getting her out on a date. And make sure you’re texting other girls so you’re not so dependent on this one girl. Remember to use the High-Status Filter and imagine that you have a dozen other girls texting you. It’ll help you not be so focused on this one. Of course you can focus on one girl, but wait until you are actually dating before you do that. A phone number isn’t the same as a girlfriend that you spent time with regularly.
QUESTION: How do you keep the flame alive with daily texts once you have a girlfriend? One word. Don’t. I’m serious, don’t try to keep the attraction burning with texting. Reserve that for in-person dates. You can do a lot more to keep the relationship exciting when you’re face to face than you can over text.
QUESTION: What do I say to avoid scaring her off? First, make sure you aren’t sending sexual messages before you’re actually dating (and even when you start dating, proceed with caution with sexual texts). Second, don’t become too eager or needy and send her lots of messages. Definitely don’t keep reaching out for reassurance that she still likes you. That will drive her away fast! If you find that you’re getting anxious a lot and need reassurance, then go read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Learn about the anxious attachment style and how to handle it.
QUESTION: What if she’s giving one word replies like, “yeah” or “sure”? She might not know what to say, or she might be busy. As long as she’s agreeing to meet up for the date, you’re fine. Don’t jump to conclusions about her not being interested in you. If you really want to know her reason for giving short answers, wait until you’re dating her before you ask about her communication style over text. Otherwise you risk sounding too needy.
QUESTION: Why do girls like to text and not talk on the phone? A couple possible reasons for this. Either you haven’t asked her out yet, and she’s getting bored of just texting and not being asked out on a date (which is what she was hoping for to begin with). Or, the other possibility is that she’s not that invested in you and doesn’t want to spend time talking with you yet. That’s not going to change by some magic text message. You have to get her out on a date to build that connection.
QUESTION: What if I got her number online? Attraction happens in person, so get her on a date quickly. If she’s doing online dating, she’s meeting other guys… so keep that in mind. Don’t try to start the relationship by texting back and forth. It will fizzle out fast. You must go for the close and get her out on a date so you can connect face to face.
QUESTION: How often is too often when it comes to texting? Anything more than what’s needed to get her to meet up runs the risk of being too much, at least at first before the relationship is established and she knows she likes you. I’d say “less is more” in this case. Then when you start dating, you can always talk about her style of texting and if she prefers to stay connection over text more often. But wait until you’re dating.