Lambs To The Slaughter: 3 Brutally Honest Online Dating Profile Critiques

Looking for marriage material? What about a stream of dates leading to a week of nonstop bedroom gymnastics? Either way, you have to maximize your opportunities, and online dating is a great way to do just that.

Here’s the thing.

Chances are you’ve gone online, created an account at one of many dating sites, slapped together a few lines and a quick profile pic, crossed your fingers and hoped for the best.

If that’s what you’ve done, you’re not alone. The sad truth is you’re probably hearing crickets. No clicks, no interest—and most importantly, no dates.

On the flipside, so many people are getting it wrong that you’d be at a tremendous advantage if you made some improvements.

The great news is that those improvements aren’t even that hard.

In this post, I’ll be taking a look at a couple of real online dating profiles and critiquing them step by step. We’re going to find out what not to do, and what to keep doing to get better results in the online dating arena.

Case #1

The photo here isn’t bad, but it’s not great either. Here’s what I think…

The guy has a nice, genuine smile. However, a good smile really comes from the eyes, not your mouth. If you’ve got glasses, take them off for the photo and wear contacts. It will make you look more sincere and more likeable.

You might think, “But I wear glasses everyday! Wouldn’t that be cheating?”


Glasses aren’t a deal breaker. If you wow her with your charms, and then she finds out you wear glasses, she won’t mind.


But to get your foot in the door you need your smile to shine. Get rid of those glasses for your profile pic.

Also, try to take the photo outdoors. The light is generally better and you can get a good shot with even a crappy camera. You’ll notice how dull the picture is here, and that’s mainly because of the background, not the subject.

As human beings, we subconsciously tend to associate people with their environment. A picture in a dull environment will give the feeling that you are a dull person. A photo in bright, sunny surroundings, will make you look equally energetic.

If you absolutely have to take a photo inside for whatever reason, stay away from the walls and pay close attention to shadows. Notice how this guy’s head is casting a shadow on the wall right behind him, making his head look huge. Not sexy.

Now let’s take a look at his description.

The mini-description on your profile card is like the headline on a newspaper article. If a headline is boring and doesn’t captivate you, there’s no way you’re reading the article—no matter how compelling the content is.

You need to squeeze your very best, most attractive qualities into that mini-description, all while making it engaging and exciting.

Here’s what this guy’s profile card description says:

“Hello i am [name] and looking for my miss perfect but i dont want to rush in to any thing. I would say i am honest, hardworking, caring and polite. Been a cabinet maker for over four years now and i…”

Right off the bat, the sloppy writing, grammar and spelling are an instant turn-off.

You need to understand that high quality women invest a lot of time and energy into becoming who they are. As a result, they hate sloppy. Sloppy means lazy, and nobody (especially women) likes lazy people.

Is this guy actually lazy in real life? Maybe not, but there’s no way for potential dates to see that from the get-go.

Think of it this way. If you’re in a Ferrari dealership, and you’re wearing stained jeans and a torn shirt, there’s no way the sales rep is going to let you step into one of those machines.

So, when it comes to your dating profile, your spelling and grammar need to be impeccable. Make an effort to write properly. There’s NO excuse. There are enough spell checkers around to make spelling mistakes punishable by death.

You also need to be very aware of the character limit. In this guy’s case, his mini-description got truncated at 200 characters. The boring stuff made it into the the profile card, while the more interesting stuff from the longer version got left out.

You must always start with the most exciting things first.

Let’s take a deeper look into this guy’s profile. Clicking through, you’ll find a longer version of his personal description:

“Hello i am [name] and looking for my miss perfect but i dont want to rush in to any thing. I would say i am honest,hardworking,caring and polite.

Been a cabinet maker for over four years now and i really enjoy my job. I have always worked since leaving school, but i still live with my parents as it is the cheapest option and i cant realy afford to move out on my own 🙁

We have lots of animals dogs,cats,chicken,birds,fish and the list is still growing 🙂

I enjoy walking our german shepherd and newfoundland. We also work our newfoundland as she loves swimming and its great fun! We take her to show as children love stroking the dogs and its good to socialise them with other people and dogs.

I like socialising with my friends cinema,pub,football.

I like watching moto gp,f1,tour de france and football to name but a few

I can play a bit on the keyboardand but i am not great lol and i like most music.”

This is as messy as it gets. He’s practically listing all of the reasons a woman should not date him. When a woman reads “I have always worked but still live with my parents”, a HUGE red flag goes up in her mind.


That part should definitely be left out.

What I would focus on is his love for animals and the wonderful walks around the countryside or trips to the beach. Sure, some people hate pets. But if you’re a pet lover, then you probably don’t want to be around people like that anyway.

The important thing is to say very clearly what you love, or are passionate about, and then present it as an activity that you and her could share.

So for this case, I’d write:

“I’ve got two adorable dogs — a German Shepherd and a Newfoundland — who will steal your heart away. You can join us for fantastic walks in the countryside and cool trips to the beach.”

Case #2


Compare the photo quality in this profile card with the previous one. See how a little sunlight improves the overall quality?

That being said, stay away from these weird angle photos. You might think they look cool, but they distort your appearance really badly. Notice how small his arm looks in comparison to his head. Plus, this is the kind of angle you’d expect to see in a teenager’s selfie, not a grown man’s dating profile.

If you don’t already have exciting pictures of yourself, the best thing to do is have someone else take the photo so you can avoid situations like we see above.

If you’re worried about not capturing the perfect angle or moment, use the multi-shot feature. Almost every camera has it, even cell phones. It shoots a sequence of photos in rapid succession, so you can then pick the perfect one.

Also, when taking photos, always try to apply the Rule of Thirds. It’s a simple rule of thumb for good picture composition. If you’re not familiar with it, there’s a brief explanation right here: Rule of Thirds.

Let’s look at the description.

Well… its not that easy deal with me! But sometime people have just a shell. And shell its still better than a mask, fake mask. If someone care of you so must get inside the soul, find a way to…

I’ve already mentioned spelling and grammar in the previous example, so I won’t repeat myself here.

What really screws this guy up though, is the opening phrase, “Well… its not that easy deal with me!”

I understand he’s trying to be honest. I’m all for openness in a relationship. But blasting out a line like that, before even giving a person a reason to put up with your BS, is just plain stupid.

Here’s a very important thing to keep in mind.

Nobody owes us anything, least of all love, affection and respect. These are all things we need to earn.

By saying something like, “I’m hard to deal with”, you’re essentially demanding that the other person walk into a disastrous relationship without any upside at all. It’s like saying, “This meat is rotten and it’s gonna give you indigestion, but I want you to buy it and eat it anyway”.

We all have our tough moments, our little quirks. There are times when we can be tough to handle for a number of reasons. Yet, the people who really love us still deal with us. Why? Because we earned their love and respect first, and then had the occasional douche episode.

So, keep away from phrases like those. Focus on the positive. And if you really have a bad attitude, it’s time to start working on it. You’ve admitted it to yourself, so you’re half way there already. Don’t make someone else pick up the pieces.

Get to work.

Case #3


For this one, the two biggest things that stand out are his main profile picture and his “own words” about himself.

This isn’t the kind of picture you want to have as your main one. Maybe as a supporting picture to show that you’re a regular guy who likes to BBQ.

But not as the main one. Your main photo should be a headshot of you looking directly into the camera. Very simple. very effective.

Not being able to look directly into a camera—and smile—says a lot about you. And not what you want to say, either.

When your main profile pic shows you looking directly into the camera smiling, it says that you’re comfortable in your own skin. It says you’re confident enough to put yourself out there without having to cover up or use a distraction. And, it says that you know what you want.

The difference between a main profile photo of a man who is looking directly into the camera and a man who cannot without having to wear sunglasses, or a cap, or lift up his shirt…is huge.

Now, read what he says about himself.

“I am looking for a long lasting relationship with honest and hardworking lady. Someone who enjoys going out or staying in to have a good time. I enjoy nature and the outdoors, sports and cooking good food.”

Could this description of who he is and what he’s looking for be any more vague or boring? I don’t think so.

Not to mention he doesn’t get any gold stars for grammar, having missed the word “an” that should have gone between “with” and “honest.”

He then says that he wants someone who enjoys “going out or staying in to have a good time”. So this basically means anywhere and everywhere. Very vague and utterly meaningless.

You might as well say “I enjoy women who enjoy things.”

He also enjoys nature, sports, and cooking good food. Yawn.

If you want a woman to write back to you after reading your profile, your description about yourself had better be interesting, humorous, intriguing, clever, thoughtful and well-written.

I’m not seeing any of that here, are you?

Remember, the 3 things a woman sees first are your headline, your main photo, and your personal description.

If you don’t get these right—like the vast majority of men who are online right now don’t—you might as well save yourself the time and skip online dating altogether.

Or you can put what little time and effort is required to create a decent profile. Your choice.

Bonus Tip #1

Your dating profile should present the very best version of you. That said, don’t outright lie. Women have a sixth sense for liars.

Even if you manage to get your foot in the door, you won’t last. Instead, take what you have and work on presenting it in the most fun, exciting way possible.

Bonus Tip #2

Don’t take yourself too seriously. Inject some humor but make sure you don’t portray yourself as a clown. Women want an entertaining guy, not a court jester. They want to laugh WITH you, not at you.

Bonus Tip #3

Talk about yourself, but make it about her. Let her know how your qualities can give her a great time. E.g:

• “I’m completely obsessed with motorcycles.” – BAD

• “There’s room for two on my motorcycle. Ever flown through the countryside on the back of a Harley before?” – GOOD

Bonus Tip #4

For your profile pic, you really don’t need anything over the top. Don’t throw away money on photo shoots.

Just make sure you follow the tips I mentioned earlier in this blog post, then give it a final retouching using iPiccy.

It’s a very simple online image editor. Upload your picture and click the button called “Fix Image”. You can even play around with some of the additional features if you feel like, but you really don’t need to.

Taking Action

That should have given you a pretty solid starting point on what to do to boost your online dating profile.

Now, it’s time to take action.

Look at your own profile. Go through the advice I shared with you in this post and look for ways to improve what you have.

Then, go to the comments below and post the “before and after”. I want to see how you applied these tips.

If you’re stuck, don’t worry. Post what you have anyway and everybody can pitch in with ideas to help you improve.