There’s this one girl Ashley who I met in fourth grade. We became friends during class and would hang out after school. I was madly in love with her. I mean, as much as you could be for a nine-year-old. She was all I could think about. Eventually, I asked my friend for advice. I asked him what I should do and how I could make Ashley like me.
He said, “All you have to do is tell her.”
Oh boy, that was not the advice I wanted to hear. What if I got rejected? What if I made a fool of myself? That sounded scary.
To this day, I never said anything to Ashley, and of course, life went on. And I remember this was the first of many times this was going to happen. I would crush on a girl almost every year until I was 18 years old. Most of them never knew and nothing happened. Some I told, and I would get rejected and still be their friends. It was painful. And it destroyed my confidence.
Turns out, I get this question every day from coaching clients, YouTube subscribers, podcast listeners, and blog readers such as yourself. They ask me all sorts of questions:
“There’s this one girl who I’m friends with. How do I get her to like me?”
“There’s this one girl at my work and we talk a lot. How can I ask her out?”
“There’s this one girl who I see all the time, and I don’t know what to say to her.”
Do any of these sound familiar?
1) The girl you’re interested in just sees you as a friend.
2) You know of a girl and want to date her.
These are perfectly normal questions to ask and I want to help you proceed in both of these situations. Most men, including myself for many years, don’t create many options for themselves in dating. The easy way to meet women is to try and meet the women that come into your orbit, which is generally your social circle and your work.
So when a guy meets a girl in any of these situations, he tries to develop a strategy for how to win that girl over. Nine times out of ten that strategy is wrong and it lands him with no dates. And it’s not his fault—or yours! You just don’t have the right game plan… yet.
The Game Plan
The correct game plan is first knowing how attraction works so you can use those tools to attract the girl you’re interested in. Second, you need to act on moving the interaction forward by getting her number, then texting her to meet up, then asking her on a date, and then initiating physical touch and sex. Third, continue meeting other women online and in person.
Bottom line: If you’re not getting her to comply with your request, that means that she’s not attracted to you. Girls who are attracted to you will WANT to give you their number and be eager to meet up with you.
The problem is twofold with most guys:
1) Since they’re not creating attraction, the girl will say no. She’s not interested.
2) Sometimes a girl likes a guy but then he hesitates and doesn’t ask her out. Eventually, the girl loses interest over time because she thinks she’s been put in the friend zone.
The game plan is simple. If you like a girl, then it’s time to ask her out. This is the only way to know if a girl likes you or not. Otherwise, you’ll never really know for sure.
On the date, you will build attraction and comfort/trust while continuing to move the interaction from date to sex to relationship.
If a woman declines your invitation to go on a date, then it’s over. At this point, she is not interested in you. No problem. It’s time to meet other women. In fact, you should be simultaneously doing this anyway so you’ll always have plenty of options.
In order for you to get better at building attraction with one woman, you can’t treat her as the be-all and end-all. The way to do this properly is to be talking to multiple women at once and filtering through to see which ones are attracted to you and which ones you are attracted to. This will be done in two ways:
1) Online through dating sites and apps.
2) In person by approaching women at bars, casually during the day, and at social events.
Hanging around one girl will waste your time if she doesn’t agree to a date and will hurt your chances of attracting her due to your display of neediness.
Why You’re Not Getting a Date from the Girl You Like
I want to warn you that what follows may not be something you’re going to like hearing because it may be shocking. However, I ask that you keep an open mind as you continue reading. The strategy we’re going to put in place for you will save you months and years of frustration and heartache.
First, let’s talk about attraction. You build attraction with a woman through social proof, pre-selection, and being a challenge.
Social proof is when there are people who like and respect you, which is shown through having friends.
A similar concept is “pre-selection,” which shows you hang around other women.
Both social proof and pre-selection are proof that others like you, which proves to her that you are likable. This attraction then transfers over to you. There have been various scientific studies done on the topic and you can see more about how it works here.
Furthermore, an unattractive trait is neediness. Neediness is when you’re showing a girl too much attention. This is one of the things a man does when he is chasing only one woman. Since he only has her as an option, he continues to chase her and show her too much attention.
So where and how does this all relate back to you and the girl you’re after?
Most likely, when a guy is going after one girl, he ends up texting her a lot, trying to hang out with her a lot, and reacting to every little move she makes. This causes you to appear needy, which means you started out on the wrong foot. Most guys in the friend zone act very needy because they have no other options and it kills her attraction for you.
Women are attracted to men who have options for two reasons:
A) It increases the challenge of getting that guy, which makes his value go up.
B) It says that there’s something about him that’s attractive if other women like him (pre-selection).
Right now, you’re most likely in a friend zone scenario. This means you’ve already displayed neediness, which has her unattracted to you. However, you’re still a good person to be friends with since you give her lots of attention, so she keeps you around as a friend. This fake friendship is not only killing your chances with her, but it’s completely wasting your time, hence why it’s time to follow the game plan.
Next, you want to make sure you’re being a challenge to any woman you come across. When you’re a challenge to a woman, it communicates that you have boundaries and an abundance of women in your life. Having boundaries means you aren’t needy and says that you aren’t interested in a specific girl. It says to her, “Are you that girl? Because if you’re not, I’m not interested.”
This is incredibly attractive because it sub-communicates you’re not afraid of losing her and most likely have other women in your life. (Remember pre-selection?)
In order to do this, you want to ask questions and make statements that let her know what you’re looking for. Here are some examples:
“So are you an adventurous type? I really like to go rock-climbing.”
“Do you even like classical music?”
“You’re not a Republican, are you?”
To keep things light, you don’t need to aggressively interrogate her. Just inquire about her and smile to balance out the intensity of the questions.
Furthermore, you don’t want to compliment a girl. If one slips out, no big deal, but most guys will compliment a woman and send her praise. Counterintuitively, this kills attraction because it’s very predictable and needy. First, it’s predictable because most guys are doing that and it puts you in the category of every other guy trying to hit on her. Second, it’s inherently needy because when you compliment a girl, it comes off like you’re trying to get something from her. Anyone can compliment. It’s boring and not original.
What To Do Next
I want to tackle an argument that might be coming up in your head right now:
“But, Tripp, I know her very well. We get along. She’s a great person and respects me. I know we will be a great match for each other and I’m not wasting my time going for her.”
First of all, you’re not “going for her” because you’re not asking her out and you’re just being her friend. So nothing is actually happening.
Second, a friendship and a relationship are actually very different things. Just because someone is a good friend to you doesn’t mean it’s a match for a relationship. People act differently in relationships and there needs to be chemistry, which, at this point, there is none.
In order to help with this process, it’s much better to be talking to and going on dates with multiple women. That way, you will naturally be a challenge, less needy, and therefore more attractive.
If you’re in a friend zone situation, it might be too late at this point, but it’s time to ask her out. It’s time to move this to the next level. Most guys get to this part and won’t do anything because they fear rejection.
I urge you to take life into your own hands and make a move, because if you don’t, nothing will happen. I repeat: nothing will happen.
She won’t make the first move if she hasn’t already. So now it’s up to you to ask her on a date.
The best way to do this without being too overt and needy is by saying this word-for-word, preferably in person:
“Hey, let’s grab coffee/a drink.”
It will be clear from those words exactly what you’re requesting and you’re doing it in a very non-needy, dominant tone.
She will respond in one of two ways:
1) “Yes, let’s do it,” or some variation. That means you’re good to go and now you can go on a date.
2) “I’m not sure, really. I have to think about it,” or some variation. This means she is afraid of rejecting you on the spot and is caught off guard. Inherently, she’s not interested, which means you can move on.
If the second response happens, I urge you to not remain friends with this girl. It will be very risky to stay friends with her because it will keep you in a dangerous loop. You will remain attracted to her and will continue believing that a relationship is a possibility, which means you will waste a lot of time. Now it’s time to move on and find another woman you’re interested in.
This girl you’re currently interested in is no longer an option.
You cannot convince a girl to like you because attraction is not a choice. She can’t choose to be attracted to you no matter how hard she tries, because attraction happens on a biological level.
I suggest that you no longer communicate with this girl, detach from her, and slowly start distancing yourself. If you don’t, you will be stuck and continue trying to pursue her, which won’t work.
It’s now time for you to find another woman who will have interest in you and do it the proper way: create attraction and get compliance. Rinse and repeat.
You can meet women either online with dating sites and apps or in person at events, during the day, or at bars and clubs. There’re lots of options for you! You just have to put yourself out there and make it happen.
I know I’m making this sound easy and being rather stoic about the situation. I am completely aware that this process is not easy, can result in massive heartache, and will leave you feeling lonely. Just understand that this may be the most important lesson of your dating life. It will prevent you from ever getting into a situation like this ever again, which will make life better!
You should never try and go the “back door” route of being her friend. It will not work because that’s not how attraction works, as you now know. Attraction happens when you have options and are not being needy.
For the sake of the future, you shouldn’t ever be friends with a girl you are attracted to. If you find yourself attracted to a girl, then work on creating attraction and getting compliance as soon as possible. You may run the risk of falling into a friend zone trap if you wait too long, and we know how this turns out.
Troubleshooting & FAQ:
Q: “Tripp, but I know she likes me. I can just tell. What can I do?”
A: That’s great! If she likes you, then it’s time to implement the game plan and ask her out. Any girl who likes you will agree to wanting to go on a date with you. The reason why many men are afraid to take that step is because they’re afraid of getting rejected. But if you’re certain she likes you or is interested in you, then it’s time to step up and ask her out. That way, you will know for sure.
Q: “What about the girl I work with? Can I ask her out? What if she works in the same building as me but not at the same company?”
A: The workplace is a bad place to meet women. The risks are much higher than the reward. You run the risk of sexual harassment. You run the risk of getting fired. You run the risk of you two dating, then breaking up, and now having to see her all the time (yikes). All this risk creates unwanted drama in your life. Go back to the game plan stated above and meet women online and in person. No woman is worth the risk of you messing up your life. Ask yourself, is it really worth it?
Q: “Tripp, I don’t want to ruin my friendship with the girl.”
A: You have to look at this situation as objectively as possible. When you do that, you will find that this is not an actual friendship. A friendship is when two people like each other as only friends and don’t have any romantic feelings for one another. This is not the case, because you do have those feelings. I understand that it may be tough to pull the trigger and follow through with asking her on a date, but if you don’t, you will be stuck in the friend zone. So you have to ask yourself, is it worth it to stay friends and always wonder what-if or make a move? More importantly, if you don’t make a move, then you’ll never be with her or any other girl and your dating life will be dead. I hope that’s not what you want either.
Q: “Tripp, I see her a lot. If I ask her on a date, it could make things awkward in my friend group.”
A: People date and ask out girls in their friend groups all the time. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward. Similar to my last response, if you don’t make a move, then you will be stuck with absolutely nothing. So you have two options at this point. You can ask her out and see what comes of it or preserve the friend group and move on to date other women.
Q: “What about that one girl at the gym? Or the one barista at the coffee shop I go to? Or other places I frequent?”
A: Simple! If you’re interested in this girl, then start talking to her (if you haven’t already) and ask her out. That will be the way you know if she is interested in you. Similar to my last response, make sure you are able to handle the fact that you will have to run into her if she says no. Are you okay with that? If not, then it’s best not to go for this girl and meet others.
Q: “But she’s ‘the one.’ I know it.”A: Be careful with this mentality. The reason you think she is “the one” is because you don’t have any other options in your life. You are solely focused on one girl. You’re not aware yet that there are other girls out there who could be a good match for you since you’re only focused on one. When all is said and done, if you feel she’s a good match for you, then follow the game plan and ask her out. If she doesn’t comply and say yes, then she was never “the one.” A girl that will be good for you is a girl who likes you back.
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